Sunday, August 16, 2015

Something I learned

When we made our trip Up North to see the in-laws and play in the river, I was coasting on a high for a week or so afterward.  I thought it was a turning point, that somehow I'd started a new step in transitioning to living as me.  Then a few weeks went by.  Monday through Friday in the office as [male name] and by Thursday I found myself agitated and depressed.  And for the last three weekends, I didn't step foot out of the house or yard.  My wife needed some time away from the kids & had errands to run that she couldn't do with them, so I stayed home.  And I could feel repression just...sitting there.  Hanging over my shoulder, just waiting for me to slip, to let my guard down for just a moment so it could swoop in.  If it did, I would be in no shape to push back.  I knew I'd just let those decades of automatic behaviors take care of my day to day interactions and my sense of Self would just blank out again.

But it didn't happen.

True, I've not been anywhere but work and stores on the way home or at lunch.  And those were as [male name].  But I didn't collapse.  And I didn't repress.  I had a few moments of being depressed - okay they were hours.  But I'm okay, and I'm still me.  The real me.  She's not going anywhere.

I also figured out during that time that much as I need to go places and do things, it's not me.  I'm an  introvert.  I can take people in small amounts, and noisy people in far smaller amounts.  Then I need  to recharge in some semblance of solitude & quiet.  So what I thought was a need to get out at least once a weekend?  To gain practice *not* allowing my learned man-behaviors to step in?  Is not going to happen.   And I'm doing okay without it.

I'm probably going to have to transition at work soon, or find a new job and transition there.  Seven to eight hours a day is about all I can take of being social & right now, it's all in the wrong gender.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Weekend That Wasn't

So, during the week I allow all those learned behaviors to do their thing and protect me (and now, my family).  They've been a part of me since I was six and shut down.  Hid myself - my entire sense of Self - away.  Monday through Friday, I put on a binder, let that male persona slide over me like some creepy set of hands and go numb.  But lately, as my wife has become supportive and we've moved forward toward me transitioning, I've looked forward to the weekends to push back.  Just a few hours where I get to practice not allowing those learned behaviors to take over.  A chance to be social as myself, and interact with people.  I can't do it during the week, say, in the evening.  I've tried; I just can't change my state of mind that quickly.  Too many years of embedded shame & hopelessness.

This weekend, I couldn't do it.  I couldn't find that state of mind that allows me to push back against all the childhood punishments & spankings & worse for not accepting who they wanted me to be.  I left the house once, early, to pick up some terra cotta planters for the patio.  Didn't care what I was wearing, didn't care about my voice, or that I hadn't shaved.  Just.  Didn't. Care.  And it hurt, a lot.

Tomorrow morning, the binder goes back on.  The icky fingers of "him" will slide over me again and I'll be who I'm supposed to be for five more days.  In a haze of repression, and pain.  It's inevitable, and I just don't care.  Don't read too much into that.  I'm not suicidal.  See, that's the beauty of "enhanced" (read: with spankings & shame & worse) religious-based childhood reparative therapy; you just repress & go numb.   There's no one in your heart to fight back or be despondent.  Just the parts of you that have learned to get things done and not get feel.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Saturday Blues

I can't shake off my work persona, and it's ruining my weekend.

Over the last few years as our daughter learned various skills like skating, I'd explain to her that she has to practice something new over and over so that her body can learn it.  As geek-girls we both knew it actually meant spinal cord & brain, but whatevs - it was shorthand.  Anyway, my body has been taught for so many decades how to hide who I am that I'm having trouble making it stop.  All those behaviors, attitudes, reactions, movements...they are NOT ME!  It's like living inside a semi-autonomous robot and it makes me feel ill.

I'm going to go do yard work.  Not because it'll help but because it  needs to be done and I'm just sitting around feeling powerless.