Thursday, January 4, 2018

So, it's been a while.

How've you been? It's been a while. Almost a year, looking at the last post. Starting to feel old, but maybe that's because the kids are becoming people and I'm realizing just how much was missing from my own childhood that I'll never have.

I'm settling into the person I'm learning I am. The woman I am. Still need to find a new job to finish up with that, though. And that's a problem because right now the job I have is really convenient, schedule wise. Probably make a lot more elsewhere too, but I wouldn't be able to just shift my time off when I need to with little or no notice. And because of some special needs of our little family, sometimes I need to. So, I'm still working on that part & it's still holding me back. Generally, I don't worry about 'passing' any more. I'll have times when my voice isn't quite good enough, but eventually I find it again. Most of the time people just see a middle age woman, not too unattractive but nor do I try to stand out. Most people don't notice me at all and I'm fine with that.

My Dad died last summer. I don't miss him. About all I felt afterwards was relief and a strange, unfamiliar sense of freedom. There are no complex issues to work through, it was pretty much all right there on the surface. Mom is still around, she's grieving still. I regret that I can't trust her enough emotionally to be there for her, but that's who she has always been. When she wants something she's nice, even remembers to use my name and pronouns. When she doesn't need anything from me, well...

My spouse went through her own realizations over the last year, too. She figured out she's not attracted to me as a woman at all but still very much loves me. She also realized she's probably always been asexual, which explains much of our past even in the early years. I miss the physical affection we once had though, terribly. It's a sort of emptiness that I know will be there the rest of my days. We've been together a good fraction of a century now & still plan on growing old together, loving each other. It's just...different, not what either of us expected. But then, what is?